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Dear Santa Claws,

I’ve been a very good cat this year. Although I do hope your definition of ‘good’ is broad enough to include the dismemberment of a few rodents and leaving some hairballs on the couch.

I wanted to start by thanking you for all the wonderful boxes and ribbons you brought me last year. My humans threw them to the side and were more interested in the rubbish they came with, but I thought they were wonderful! I loved sitting in my new beds while attacking and chewing the ribbons. They sometimes got a bit stuck in my throat and it hurt, so I’d like to recommend that you look into bringing alternative toys for me. I intended to thank you sooner but I had an incredibly busy year of napping.

I do have one confession to make, my humans decorated the Climbing Tree with lots of shiny toys and I felt it was my calling to attack them. I jumped up onto the tree to catch them but, much to my embarrassment, the entire thing started tipping over. Luckily my furstyle wasn’t ruined.

The reason I’m writing to you now is to let you know what my wish is this year. Let me get right to it: I want to live here without the dog. He takes up a lot of my human staff’s attention and is incredibly needy. Last year, he got overly excited when guests arrived and nearly knocked everyone over. How ridiculous, he should know to just slink away into a quiet room, but he clearly needs our humans to help him with everything. He also chewed on the Climbing Tree lights last year and the whole room went dark. The humans seemed happy that he wasn’t ‘electrocuted’, ugh, they think everything he does is ‘cute’ no matter how dim-witted he is.

So my suggestion is that maybe you could take the shedding drooler with you to the North Pole? Even though he did gobble down all the milk and cookies last year and got a tummy ache from it, I promise he’ll behave if you keep an eye on him. My humans call him ‘NoDon’tChewThat’ but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind it if you rename him. (I was just pretending to drink the milk, but he really did eat the cookies)

That’s my only wish this year, Santa Claws.

With feigned sincerity,